blinded

Don't mind me I am just bitter

Don't care for me cause I'm a quitter

Nothing matters if it's unpleasant

Open your eyes

Tell me what do you see

I know no difference from Light to darkness

Teach me

What is the world like in your small head

What is perfect

Tell me what you see when you wake up

Is it all fake

Is this for real

Am I mistaken

What is a perfect world

I do not see one on this earth

Teach me to feel

Teach me to be human

Teach me to be loved

I know no difference from this state that I am in

To the place in your head were happiness begins

how can you feel so joyful inside

When nothing is working in my mind

When everything is beautiful

But it is so delicate

I am just bitter

So don't love me

Just turn your back

And you won't see

The world sucks

Why do I have to live my life the way I do. The faces that I love are no where. I want so much to be happy. Everyone wants me to be happy. But I cannot. Am I to blame? Am I so shallow and so stupid and so pitiful and so lost? Am I that helpless? I feel as if everything I do I do for no one. Not even myself. I feel like I am living a life just to keep on moving and breathing. What is that? That is not a life. That is nothing. If you keep on doing what you have been since you were born, what is the use of your pointless life. I want to have some excitement. I want something to happen, anything. I know I might regret that, but why can't I live for something just once.

Love letter to myself

Don't stand over there

It's not fair that I should be alone

You are cold, days grow cold too

And I'm not really here

Do you see me

Do you feel my touch

Do you want to?

I am afraid no one does

I am scared

I am cold

Don't take back your words

I'm afraid they are the only ones that matter

Don't take back your sorrow

I'm afraid it's the only feeling

In my head

Days are gray

Days die

Days come and go

Why can't I

Summer is hotter in my head

Winter is a constant reminder

I am scared that I am gone

Sometimes it doesn't even matter

I am not who I used to be

I am cold

Don't take back your words

Don't take back your words

Don't take back your words

They are the only things that matter.

I know

You don’t have to tell me you’re disappointed, I already know.

You don’t have to punish me, I already learned.

You don’t have to love me anymore, but somehow I know you do.

I feel so stupid because I don't know if I can change.

do I have the will power? Do I want to live this way?

I hate this, I hate myself.

I know I do not hate, I am just sad.

I failed.

At everything I have ever done.

And right now it feels fine to be sad, to feel nothing at all.

It kind of scares me, but somehow I know I can change.

Somehow I know I cannot.

I am just wilting away.

I.

sometimes I feel like I am ready to fly,

But tonight I feel I could die.

I do not feel sad, nor glad,

I just feel ignorant.

I am happy sometimes,

And when I am I feel stupid.

When I am mad I feel I know what the world is.

How can I live in anger and helplessness?

I feel so alone, I feel so tired.

Why does the world have to be so stupid.

Am I the stupid one?

I feel so lost and conceited.

I want to give my full self,

And I thought I knew who that was,

But now I feel broken and I don't know who I am.

Hell

The ocean swirls away from me.

The wind blows away from me.

The earth crumbles under me.

Fire burns beneath.

If all hell is, is fire,

I am not afraid.

If all hell is, is desire,

I am not afraid.

I have known these thing,

Hated these things,

Indulged in these things,

But I have not grown immune.

Hell will be terrifying.

I am not afraid.

Hell will try and deceive me.

I am not afraid.

No matter how much fire,

The amount of desire,

It will not satisfy me.

I will never be happy without purity.

blend

Would you care if I died.

Would you cry?

I would not cry,if I died.

You see I would be dead.

I would be away from earth.

But if I had the capability to cry from my death,

I would not.

I would not be sad.

I am not suicidal, I would not be glad.

I would feel sorry, that I have left.

But not because I missed it.

I would simply be.

I would simply fall.

I would simply like to take a walk with the stars.

And if you choose to feel for me,

Cry for me,

I would feel sad.

Life is experience.

It is like a game of cards.

You have your hand, it may not be what you wanted.

Of course it is not.

No one is ever satisfied, it seems.

But if I were to die I would feel nothing.

I would be gone.

Gone to a place where I could simply be nothing,

And blend into the colors of my being.

i cannot

Am I so blind that I cannot see.

Am I so deaf that I cannot hear.

Am I so dumb that I cannot speak.

I cannot I cannot I cannot I cannot

I am numb.

Winter is a blessing,

Winter brings me chill.

Winter is a friend who often disappears.

I know where I am,

But I feel so lonely.

I cannot I cannot I cannot I cannot

I do not fell anything.

alone

I feel broken

Like a toy used to play with

And now to destroy.

How long is a friendship?

Can it go on forever?

It seems like a dance in a circle,

No interruptions from jutting edges,

Then the song ends.

Everything just falls away.

All through my life I just wanted to love.

I need to love.

And I am losing my mind to darkness.

All I know is I might end up alone,

And I do not know why.

H

The softness of the wind is growing into a steady rhythm. The Waving branches on the trees are laughing at you now. You cannot go back, because you cannot change time. It is time for you to grow up. It is time you saw the signs, and wake up.

nothing

And now that it is all said and done,

Do you find yourself thinking you want to be gone?

And now that the sun has revealed how it shines,

are you willing to die?

It does not even matter who you are.

It does not matter that you have lost.

Nothing matters anymore.

You are running around in circles.

You are dying without a catch.

You do not need anyone,

but you cannot let go to your imagery.

If you asked me,

No, I do not regret anything.

If you ask me,

No, I cannot be here.

If you ask me,

Is it because he loves you?

But why the hell do I feel so lost.

Why the fuck do I feel alone.

Why am I so pathetic.

I do not know.

And if it makes you feel better,

I care.

I can say I do not care,

Like I want to,

But it makes me a coward to my own mind.

And I was always right to begin with.

I was always wrong,

But it matters.

And I care.

I am chained to myself,

Because I am so foolish,

I am so lost.

I thought I was doing what was right.

I thought I knew.

But I do not know anything.

Not one thing.

And I do not want to the same way I do.

saving the world

The moment you step out of your dreams you wake up and you cannot take it. The moment you step into reality your inocent eyes are taken. But the moment you mess up you are looked upon with rage or dissapointment. How can someone be mad when the world is the most messed up place in the world and there are people a million times worse? The answer is that we need to beleive we can still hold on to the pure image of those dear to us. When you wake up from dead sleep do you find yourself lost? Is the moment gone from you, is it hopeless, are you gone? The moment you wake up you forget, and thats okay. You can save your dissapointment for a different day. The truth is something you may not reconize because it is hopeless to change. The world was paradise, a gift of infinite treasure. We ruined it all. Everything we skrewed up, everything that has hate, is slowly withering this earth and everyone away. You can only hold in yourself to be holy and unchanged. You can only tell yourself only good comes to you, comes from you. Is that so hard to believe? Maybe, but I cannot change your heart and mind. I can only change myself, to be better, to be kind. I will be kind.

shadows on the other side

In the shadows of a corner at the far end of the room,
Comes a sound that is beautiful with a ghostly tune.
In the heart of the singers soul,
There is a face so beautiful.
And she shakes,
She can't live anymore this way.

From the shadows of a corner at the far end of the room,
Comes a sound that is shaking the world,
As the singer shakes her whole fragile frame.
And the atmosphere is black as a bird in a cage.
The hearts of the strangers cannot take it any more.

From the shadows of a corner at the far end of the room
Comes an image as beautiful as its tune.
No, I cannot take it anymore.
And her face tells the story,
Of that distant land.
And her eyes are grey as pools filled with sand.
Oh, and I cannot take it anymore.

And she cannot let go,
To the most lovely thing she has ever known.
And she cannot fight back,
Against the wind of a far, distant land.
As she remembers the day she was born of her love.

Oh, what is it like,
On the other side?
Oh, what is it like,
On the other side of the dark?
It is just darker,
The people still dead,
These menaingless words are jumbled in her head.

From the shadows in a corner at the far end of the room,
Comes a beautiful sound with a ghostly tune,
And I know the way to the other side.
Oh, the colors all collide,
The faces with blood that has dried.
And she cannot let go,
To the most lovely thing she has ever known.

lovely

When the moment was right I found myself laughing and planning my plots and living like golden shining beams of light. I felt laughter come to my eyes and my heart felt so whole. The trees merrily swayed to a lazy breeze and an early autumn leaf fell from the branches. The summer was almost over, but my dreams were so alive. I think that happiness is like a cat, cute and cuddly but feirce and intimidating to prey. Even at this somber relization I still feel contented. Maybe that was the trick maybe it was my time to finally live. All I know is I noticed how everything was lovely. Colors were brighter, smiles were wider, and love was abundant. It was all because that was the day I looked at myself and could honestly say I thought I was beautiful. The emotionless barrier lifting I found I was able to cry. Able to let go and I felt so alive. Now I feel the same. I still relapse into thoughtful emootionless silence but I know a freind called lovely who can call me back to her any time.

Take away want and the world would be better?

Even if you do not have want, what else do you do? Is it lonely in your head when you have nothing pulling you? Do you feel fine and whole or do you feel empty?

To dance would be nice, to feel, to breath, to be. Do I seem hopeless in my antics and fears? I am one of many who want to understand. If I dissapear would there be a difference in this world, or would it be the same? I always ask brfore i state, but why would I have it any other way? I may be ignorant but if I am blunt in my ways will someone correct me so I am no longer naive?

Anything that you want you have to work for, but would you have it any other way?

My love

To find people fall so evenly into traps haunts my every waking dream. The things that they want are as selfish as they seem, but why do I keep asking for more? My love would be sweet and sincere, but the depression inside me decides for me that I am not worth it. Am I being selfish in asking for help? I feel so stupid for giving in to what I want and the way that I talk. The truth is the colors just don't blend too well. I want to be loved but all I can see is the wrongness of everything in me. All that I care for is torn to shreds as I find myself thinking what a horrible mess. I find that I keep hoping surely I will end up happy, but I am not cinderella and my life is not sappy. The cold hard truth still does not weaken my hope, and I guess I will find out the hard way if my heart will be ripped out.

screwed

Just when I thought I was getting somewhere I screwed up. I wonder about myself and whether happiness just avoids me. I am never good enough, strong enough, cool enough, together enough. I will always be an akward kid.

words

The words you want to express are burning your tounge.
The power to resist everything is a daring temptress,
But all that matters is to make someone understand.
The perfect words, the perfect face,
Will you be the one to understand what I say?

falling is a feeling no one will soon forget.
Into the ocean the sun set goes, is it beautiful?
You cannot make yourself believe that this is where you want to be.
All you wanted you do not understand, you cannot speak.
The perfect words are gone, impossible to be heard.

lie

Sometimes in the thick of it all I find myself lying to myself in order to be kinder but then I don't know the truth and I have no idea if what I feel is real and if I actually ever lied to myself at all. All I ever wanted from the world was love. Am I too selfish too see I have already gotten what I wanted.

Taken for granted

Noticing what I do for others gets me thinking. Do I ask too much, too little? Do I only expect from others what I expect from myself? Do I expect too much from everyone else? The people around me take me for granted. All I have is to show them how I can be different and generous in ways they didn't see before. I can't change people I can only change myself. Sometimes I doubt weather I am taking for granted others or not because of the way they treat me. I hope not. I will keep trying to be a person I look up to in hopes that I can be happy and lead a fulfilling life. I hope I don't sound too much like a sunday school teacher.........

Joy

I often want to be silent, be alone and unafraid. I often want to shout out in wonder of what life is. I cannot know why I try to be who I am but all i know is that all i have is joy.
Have you ever felt like you are so alone that no one can get to you, no body cares? Have you ever felt that you longed for someone to tell you how it works, to show you what love and freindship is? I felt that every day for as long as I have lived but when I found myself with a freind I did not want it. After all those yearrs of longing and resentment of so many faces who turned away I found myself stuck in an inbetween of wanting to hold on and wanting to let go. Then i relized every one is just as messed up as I am and the world seemed a puzzeled place.
If i help you will you help me? After all we are all different and we all have different problems. If I know the answers to your problems and share will someone have the answers for me. All greif and anger are nothing to any one all that matters in the end is joy and helping eachother reach that place.