Flies

Would you let me go

Would you let me show

My mind

My mind

Is too covered with flies

With delicate wings

And vicious eyes

Reflecting in mine

Is it too late to face it

Too late to claim

My soul is in my hands

When truly I have no idea

It could be lying on the floor

Where I was left to rot

I sobbed it out

And now I am a rock

As smooth as one can be

Only disguised

To catch the eye

Of a gullible traveler

Who would pick me up

And exclaim in such delight

How I was such a find

How I could sooth their mind

But I'm restless to die

With the rest of my humanity

Restless

I'm getting restless

The taste of stale hate

Breaking off and crumbling

I'm getting rusty

I've found myself covered in dust

I'm getting restless

For a loving touch

Maybe it's your fault

Did you ever think

That maybe it’s your fault

And maybe did you think

You could be wrong

I found it hard to believe

But it’s right there in your eyes

Maybe you’re to blame

And that gives me strength

To say

That’s just okay

It’s fine

Would you keep me cold

In the summer time

I wanted to believe

But you’ve shadowed my mind

And maybe I’m to blame

But I don’t think it’s the case

And maybe you could feel the same

And maybe you’re always right

But truth is hard

When it’s your fault

And that’s okay

It’s fine

The beauty of your face

And the beauty of your grace

It’s hard to feel so sad

When you know your rights to stand

And fight

To give yourself the might

To say

Let’s go

Let’s do everything accordingly

To my will and strength

And that’s okay

It’s fine

But maybe you’re at fault

For the reasons we don’t care

For the blessings in the air

That never sprouted hope

And really that’s just fine

Because maybe you’re to blame

And maybe that’s okay

It’s fine

Life stuff is like a poem only less quixotic, still you are an idea in my own romanticized epic

Honesty and small things

To keep them with your face

To keep them in this place

I wanted arms wrapped around me

I wanted kisses deep

I wanted to be free

I wanted not to be lonely

My wants go with the thought of you

But the sea erodes my edge

As I wait and watch us grow

And imagine a lifetime

With you

Sweet is a word

So is bird

But I see the way they affect

The way they slip into sentimental beauty

Like the seasons slip into each other

I realize I'm being silly

Silly silly girl

With Romantic notions in my head

Laughing it all together

And the place that I was born

The place we came together

The place that you were born

My chemistry is tingling

And my longing touches shore

I wish I could just sit here and talk about you

Praise all the things you do

Tell why I do

But my impatient heart can only focus on itself

And suck my impatient mind with it

And I find I am incoherent

But I'll try anyway

Your kindness

And your youth

Your smile

And your awkward state

Your willingly strange

I love it all

Experiences

When the wind rolled through the house I was covered by the walls of my room. The deepness of the sadness and the puddle in my mind were ringing. I have no life for those I love, I only have my demons. I have no truth, only swallowing holes that broke my beliefs. I said I would break away but the tide pulls me closer. And to feel at all, to feel anything, would break my frozen fingers. My breath, my pulse, my every twitching, I wanted it to be for you but it is for me. I am stuck in my own mind, I am blind, I cannot see.

All the days seem so pointless. The sorrow seems so deep. The stitchings to your mind become undone and the darkness begins to seep inside a hole that cracked your skin. It all seems so stupid when you say it out loud, no one ever actually feels that sad, do they? And no one gets why you shut yourself away, they just blame you for not caring. But you care so much, and you don't know how to make them understand you really do care about them, your just so sad you can't physically become sad for other people. You can't give more of yourself away. So you let yourself decay away from the happy people in the room over. You can't infect them with your sadness and guilt of it.

I am a broken horse

When the learning is hard

And the battle is long

There is no point

There is no rescuing song

If I was not so incomplete

This easy way out would

Seem so neat

To be depressed at all

Would give me an excuse

To feel so bad

To feel so cheap

But still it's so lodged in me

So deep

So deep

And all these things that snagged my path

I want them back

I need them back

It makes me so tired

To find that I have done nothing

And no one has a need to see

That I am more

That I have more

And it makes me sick

Always so sick

The battle is thick

And I can't see

And I can't breathe

But this broken record

Has run its course

I have nothing

I am a broken horse

So take me back in the daytime

To my golden meadow

And lay me down

To sleep

Lay me down

I am so tired

What else can I do

But I don't give the effort

I'm not part of this book

You keep looking

And I've looked enough

Would that count for nothing

In a place with no love

Like it should when I stutter

Into this square shaped

Piece of land

Oh daughter

Oh brother

Oh husband of mine

I'd love you

I'd hold you

But what else could I do

What else can I do

My fingers are cold

Without the light you shined

You wanted me to understand

But I'm too far gone in my mind

I'm too adamant to my own

Too feverish and delicate

I already know

I already know

What else can I do

Please take this love I have for you

It is all I can do

As I lay here to breathe a while

And watch you figure it out

While I sit here and wonder

And your beautiful face

And young springy grace

What else can I do

When I already know you

When I already found out the reasons

And the virtue

And the puzzles

The strife

What else can I do

I already love you

I already do

You are always on my mind

Washing my face and feeling the cold

Of a morning left to unfold

My whispered feelings to the dark

Are nothing to you

Are nothing at all

Except for in my own thoughts

Where it grows and takes life

You are always on my mind

These situations and novelties

This life I concocted out of dreams

I saw the discolored lines of my heart

I saw the miscalculations

I wanted to be more than this

But my psychotic way is overrunning me

So I live inside my mind

You are always on my mind

Science of Certainty

Granted I left a thread of my brain behind

While working up the fabric and refining the lines

I didn't see the darkness creeping by the walls

I didn't seem to think that the matter was worth discussing

Didn't want to focus on the feeling of being blind

Keeping up the stock of smoldering dunes

That creep up in your nostrils

That sell on being crude

I wasn't yours for the taking but I gave myself up

I wasn't planning on this but my heart is wrapped in uncertainty

Disused and covered with crust

They took that selling point and they boiled it down to science

Saying that the ground was made to be solid but not solid

And they used my eyes as the prize for the answers

They used my every limb to figure out the chemistry

Behind the foreign institute that shattered all their lives

And I took up all their promises

I dealt with their stolen hands

Just to seek my desires and my purpose of this land

I didn't seek being human

Didn't seek to be all right

Just wanted to reach my resting place

My heaven and my origin

But this I had not planned

What is in a humans brain

What is in a child's hands

I would have known

I would have cared had I kept watch

If I could care enough to do so

If I was but more self-effacing

I would have known human nature to turn sour

To catch their fleeting crimes

To seek their every belief system

And unveil their uncertainties and lies

But my trust in the ignorant was blind

And my life was torn apart

by bloody hands and broken minds

Oh human nature

Oh human kind

changes

I'll be watching for the signs

But the feeling of strength

And certainty

Is consuming my skin

Comforting instead of foreign

Now an understanding

Changing facets of the multi colored glass

That walled my mind in colors

Too bright and too breakable

Encased by the feeling

Of discomfort and uncertainty

It is gone

I can breathe

Is it enough to want you to hold me as I sleep

If my thoughts for you

Were waves that don't recede

Just merge on into undulating seas

If I just want to feel

Would you watch me crumble

If I just want to feel

Would you hold me together

And love me with no ghost

If I just want to feel

Would you let ungodly sobs

Enter the room we could sleep in

Where there's air enough for us

My smiling face

Watches you laughing

I don't want this to be

Something disintegrative

But when I leave you

I feel empty

I just want to feel like it's enough

Could you feel that for both of us

I wanted everything

To have beauty at it's core

But my sickness grows and grows

I just want to breathe

But everything is colored with mud

And now I'm stuck here longing

For a forgotten touch

I don't know how to love you

I just know I do

I don't know how to hold you

I just know I want to

Let the right one in

Floating complications nest here in the fall

Yellowed tongues and wisped hair

Wonderment of dry things

Crisp your thought and heart

What is left of me, what is left of my mind

It all sours into the night

Into the separation of a gift

Of a severed hand with frozen fingertips

Water down my back

Is no hindrance

To those who love the chill

Who love the complications of the feel

I am the ugliest fracture

The ugliest of all

I yellow and I protrude

I wanted to

To be warm by your body

In my mind would be whole

The white and the blinding

That covers the hole

That I left to myself

To fill

To feel at all

Waiting changes of the crease

You left inside my skin

Brown and grey and yellow

The moles that dot my chin

Converging into one

Blinding me from within

It seeps into my blood

It kills only to live

To stand next to you at all

Would you let me in

To stand next to the warm

Would you let me take your hand

To be were I felt it at all

Would you let me in

I am the ugliest of all

My skin is choked and frayed

I am the horrible thing

That frightens you in day

Would you let me in

Would you let me stay

Child

You don't understand

You feel the need to backtrack

And make all of my hurts

Magnified to the tenth degree

Do you keep feeding on me

do you still take my energy

Even after I left your side

Left you despite my pride

To keep on and see you through

Do you still suck me dry

Even after all this time?

You were a small child

But in your mind you were old and wild

You thought you were an adult

And you were so depressed and ripped through

No one could ever love you

No one could ever help you

So I tried and I tried

And it nearly killed me

You fed off my soul

And you still blame me

I can see it in your eyes now

All you are is false

I can see it in you face now

You didn't even try to feel me

To take in one thing

I told and gave you

You didn't even try to see

You selfish infant

You crying child thing

And I give so much

And I never ask for much

But couldn't you just care enough to think

Were you so stupid you can't see

And I want to hate you

But you make it so I can't

And I want to hit you

But the sound would make me blanch

Do you still feed off me

After all this time

Are you still so selfish

Am I the one whose blind

And I want to make you see

But you don't even have a clue

In fact your probably blaming me

Your probably hating me

For my nonexistent crimes

And you have no clue

How withered and dry you make me

You have no clue

How angry you make me

You have no clue

How you break me

Catalyst

The sudden heat that chills the bones

Of startled voices

And the reaching hands of children

Anger and steam and hurt

Burn in you and turn to rage

The sudden burst of energy

The sudden fright of calm

The sudden breath of electricity

Shot through every cell

And webbed through your tissue

The faces of the ones you loathed

Mix with the ones you loved

And all the beings that you have known

And all the feeling you have even reached

Are shattered and bleached

clean of the soil that made them

foul with the cold sweat

Of an unnamed beast

Just as they left them

Just as the light was broke

Into startling waves of color

And bleeding through the dark

Was the chill it gave you

Was the feeling of virtue

Lost and forgot till then

What a difference does it make

If you were shattered by your mind

The feeling of the blind

Encased your tongue and thought

What a difference does it make

If you realize your mistake

If you realize the belated effect

The land mine of a catalyst

Broke down in mid destruction

Of the cavalry sent for your end

To be lost in mid function

Take it now and leave them to rest

Your end was a heavy test

Your end was a catalyst

Your mind was a catalyst

Just waiting to be preset

The Drone

My gift to you would be only truth

But now I wait for you to follow

Logic and its sweet tomorrow

My face is lined at a steady pace

Of disinterest and disappointment

For now I go and catch the water

That is always slipping

That is always dripping on

Without denial and with constant persistence

My thought was troubled the day I started

Worry was what time allotted

I am the frequency of decay

As the summer turns to dissatisfy the fall

Without denial and with constant persistence

I am the drone to which my mind produces

I am the drone in the obtuse

But I am still in wreck

Of all the things I wrote

For life was a fragile thing

That is hard to fix once fractured

And all that is wanted is beauty

And the unbroken flow of it

Of words and pictures

And earth and sky

All the things that call my senses

Break the drone that was made

With internal consensus

They break the flow

Of what cannot be helped

And bring the things created

Without denial and with constant persistence

I am the labyrinth of my eccentricities

I am the web of emotion and flaws

I am the part of my own following

That led me to the peaceful cream

And unbroken stream of things

And the happy disarray of the ungodly beings

Mixed with all the treasured feelings

Of my every misadventure

Into sound

I was this

jumping in

steady on in

Grace is change

steady on the way

Wishes are not quite

certainty is a hard thing

its like the feeling of breeze

gone more often then you want

and just enough to make you think

i saw the road on the side of the grass

i had enough time to see nothing was green

i looked out past the feeling of a loveless thing

stepping up and watching them step down is fine

hollows in the oak tree watch the passing of a stream

fractures are not a steady line of remorse, they are tinged

i saw your face and i saw your tears and i saw your reasoning

gone was the flow that carried us there where the feeling strikes

The lightning tells us that our place in this was never too important

i don't care enough to go back to where i started, i just keep walking

though I'm a startling thing and my ribs are low and cracked inside

those things which catch our breath are running out of air for life

i saw the mountains and thought 'i could watch their lives go'

we could hold on to the feeling of the snow in the breeze

i saw the flowers and i knew about the stain that i left

you were not open but you were closed and all right

don't flow too far from the places that you seek

don't feel caged and unloved from me, please

don't flee too far from the spaces i think in

i watched the dirt streaks on our faces

i caught up with the night sky sound

my hand is closed in relief not rage

i left the light to go out into this

i left stars to swim in place

grafting into the ground

i saw my own breath

i laughed at all of it

i laughed out loud

and you woke

into sound

Sometimes

Sometimes I hate myself

Sometimes I can't feel

Sometimes I feel wrong

Sometimes I am steel

Sometimes I just want to cry

But all that comes is strangled and dry

I wanted to fly a kite so I bought a kite

I wanted to sail a boat so I bought a boat

I wanted to rule the world so I bought the world

But all these things didn't belong to me

They belonged to wind, earth and sea

I didn't know what to do

So I let them sit and yellow and fray

I wanted everything to be okay

But all I did was sit and stay

To Salty Spray

I couldn't tell if I was laughing or crying

But everything that was done to me

Was replayed over and over again

Your face is in my mind

And I don't even mind enough to care

Except to crave what I was after

I followed you into the ocean

I followed you to salty spray

I followed all your weaknesses

Only to find I was my own prey

You are an open sky

That touches flames at night time

I wanted your love too

But I was always frightened

By the complexities

And the far reach

I couldn't tell if I was dead or alive

I couldn't feel anything but feeling itself

To its highest degree

To its highest self

And To become so emotionless

To see and to breathe

And to not feel at all

That would make me bleed

And bleed and bleed and bleed

For a wound not inflicted

Never achieved

I would bleed and bleed

I love the way I smile

I love the way I dance

I love the way that I

Don't know how to be anything

But this

I loved my broken mind

I loved my dirty floor

And now I've cleaned them up

And I know exactly what for

I feel the open earth

As it was brought to me

I loved and loved you

But you would never see

I followed you to death

I followed you to salty spray

And with your last breath

You said

You said

You said

You said

Home

This is not where I belong

This was never where I was

This was never my last wish

To be withered into dust

I wanted to be free

And now you've let me die

I wanted to be still

I wanted to be high

And I always knew you

I always knew your face

And I always knew your message

And that message took your place

And you died

I fell

I decayed

I wanted so much

To let you know

Just to say

That I loved you

I always had

I would follow you to ocean

To the salty spray

But you burn me

And you bruise me

I am searching in this haze

I am searching far away

I wanted to be free

But now you've let me die

I wanted to be still

I wanted to be high

No not I

Not I

I wanted to be all right

And now that I am fine

I bleed and bleed and bleed

For wounds inflicted

Achieved again and again and again

And I am fine

Greetings to you

Greetings to you

The sun that is high

We followed the stars

Just to pass the time

I liked your socks

And you liked my hair

The yellow moon that followed us there

Hello to frogs when the storm comes

And keep me up at night

Hello to the crickets

And the insects of flight

You are the outside

And I am inside

I greatly appreciate the sound

Of our lives

Jungle gyms are urban jungles

Walking low because you are humble

Never fit the code for living

Never stopped the bold from slipping

How ever the day is spread out

I liked the way your eyes played

The light

The light

That was always present in your dreams

Greatness was a harder task

Than normal ever could be

We sat alone in the trees

Just to watch them passing

Thirteen was a general term

For luck and misadventures

I wore it around so I could see

The light suppressed by wonder

Good morning pleasing dawn

Your darkness does not touch the knowing

I cannot keep my stars from lying

They do it so well

I flew around the world today

I flew around my head

Soft and warm I stopped right here

And fell fast in my bed

I Danced

To feel is to hurt

To feel is to fly

To feel is to love

And to someday die

I found this peace in my mind

As I laid here

The warmth that found me there

The gentleness of not a care

I danced and reached

I said my goodbyes to the illness in my mind

I said my goodbyes to what was empty

I said my goodbyes to all of my fears

Hello

Hello

Hello

I was laying on the floor

Laying on what was clear

So clean and whole and fine

I felt the sleep

The hurt and the heat

The warmth in me

My wind to keep

My soul turns to greet

I sat in this

And my face disappeared

My body and mind

So in tuned with what was right

A whole and a half

I danced

All Right

I was so abused

In my mind

So hard on me

In my life

But it was a false thing

That kept me here

Protesting never seemed clear

I am a sparrow

I sing you a song

And in that it all disappears

Rivers keep moving

Shallow streams are clear

I wanted this for all of us

To just be mirror images

And now I see

Love was never focused

Never a meant to be

I see you

And all your faces

I see your clothes

And all your family

But that doesn't make you like me

Anything at all resembling me

We deal with things

So steadily

And rocky fields

Are following

Our following

I needed it to be so easy

So very present in everything

But it was wrong all wrong

New leaves are browning

New Buds ripen

And are eaten

I see your faces

And I cannot feel anything

But this confusion inside of me

So flowingly

I needed this to be so easy

But now I am fine

In its complexities

So fine with everything

Okay with life

And its subtleness

All right with what I was brought

Okay with the fine lines that weaved me here

Brother

I fell away in this

This wonder of god

Blessed be but still unrest

I have it now

And I can relax

I can feel this sparkle across my skin

I can feel the feathers of all my kin

You laugh and it makes me so happy

Just to stay a while listening

And you were beautiful

And you were okay

And you sat and played a song

Oh the way it sang

The cat by my shoulder

And the blankets on my bed

I see your smile

And I can't help but love the way it graces me here

I can't help but love the way you are here

And your eyes are so bright

And your face is so alight

Feather to kin

I love the way you laugh at them

I love the way you hear the world

And laugh and laugh

Poem

Words make a shape

And they tell a truth

That they don't make

The tone is there

Even if I said

I love and play and smile

I hate all and I hate the sunshine

You could see the reasons

The feeling

The masterpiece

Hidden by my thoughts

And my reasonings

Such is a poetry

Such is a feeling

You can see the way it shapes me

The way it might shape you

If you let it

Such is a poem

Such is the sky

I want this for you

And I want it for I

we wonder but never discover

Wake up to Sufjan Stevens

Fall asleep to the sound of my breathing

Why would you become a man that is hungry and freezing

I wanted to see your eyes

What color they would make in mine

But every time I tried

I was never one to hide

But when I do it's from what I need the most

Growing up is hard to measure

But when you do you come up short

I see the places that you sleep

And the places that you sit and stare

The places where you walk

And the places where you eat

What is the plane where we can both enter

And understand

Seven hills atop the sky

Are looking down and wonder why

The stars don't feel like they should shine

The stars don't like the sunshine

And though they are feeling fine

They will always wonder why

Junk is present in minds

And so is fear

But where does it stop

Do you see her

As she walks by

does she feel for you

Or do you wonder

And wait

When can you see

she wonders and waits too

Forgotten Fire

Birds feel the empty air

They keep on making noise

They seem without a care

But they feel the tension that is there

The silence that will never be golden

Birds feel the empty air

God was never fit

Never threw a fit

God was made to sit

and grow and grow and grow and grow

As the world was collectively in awe

Never realizing god was so small

That their own tears were bigger

Their own fears were bigger

That god was always the stranger

The air was stagnant

The shame was withering

Flames still and not even flickering

The air was cold and slow

The birds felt it

They flew away

The birds flew away

Terrible

Let it be known that the places we sleep are growing on us

Till we weep and we follow it like sheep to the edge of reality

Let it be known that the places we keep are killing us now

Are making us weak

I was shaking from sorrow and I thought it would be kind

To let me just weep but the tears stayed in my eyes

I thought I knew the way to shape what I have

But I am still rising into the heat

I am still breathing in these noxious fumes

I am still feeling the sickly yellow growing inside of me

Like I have no say in anything

Because I was born to bear this place

And it has been killing me and growing on me

Let it be known that I can't feel anything but this

I can't believe in anything but this and the hope that someday I can make it disappear

I put on this wool and I wore it all around

But still I was cold and the chill was in my very bones

Still I was breathing in this cold this freeze

It was chilled to let me hurt in every way possible

It was cool just to taunt me and berate me for being so

If I could ask you if you feel lonely sometime would you turn from me

If I asked you just to stay with me would you be going sometimes

If I asked you to hear me would you do so willingly

This chill is killing me from the inside

I needed to believe someone loved me would I be so selfish as to believe I needed you

Do I love you or is that just my all encompassing need

I'm sorry so sorry so fucking sorry

I'm lonely so lonely so fucking lonely

I'm terrible I'm terrible I'm so fucking terrible

I'm angry I'm angry I'm so fucking angry

I'm weary I'm weary I'm so fucking weary

But I'm so grateful for everything

This earth has giving me

So why does it sometimes hurt so much

Why do I have to feel at all

Why must we fall and fall

I fall I fall I fucking fall

Always I fall

ramblings of a separate peace that rattles in my skin

The sorrow is beautiful

Even if it is black and creeping

Even if you catch it weeping

It is the foundation of the way in which we step

The way in which we bless

I can feel it in my bones

And it feels so set and cold

It was longing to be reached

But it dangled and it froze

But it is so overrated

It is so far fetched

It is not so evil

It has just been set

It was so lovely the way it comes to sound

And if I sound deranged

I hope that now

I hope that I am lucky enough to be strange enough to see

That the world is moving out of focus

And into focus

And forever shifting feet

I wanted to believe that I am broken and unsure

But I am just the opposite

And I feel guilty for this hurt

I feel life as it was writ

And I feel life as it is pulsing

This sorrow is so lovely

This sorrow is a token

And if I sound evil

I hope it to your ears

For I could care so much less

Except to hope you change your fears

I am none but human

I am shifting shifting evaporated

I am bound to what I gained

And I am free to what is gone

And if I sound so shallow

Sound so deep

Sound so cold

Or stupid

Or retched

I hope it to this place

That keeps the truth and lies for measure

And I stand here and I wonder

How these words put into action

Can justify anything

When in truth they mean nothing

caught

Weakness was hard to prove

As we drifted off to you

We settled are spouts and crimes

Even if it didn't feel right

How do you go about

Sitting and waiting to shout

When all along all you need

Is to just do what you please

They told me to do it too

But they didn't follow through

How could you be so blind

To not even follow your own advice

Greeting and waving and laughing

All of these things taken in passing

I want to be a boulder in the sand

So they can watch the shadows that I have

We wait like rocks in the river

Waiting and waiting forever

But all along the river passed us by

So we never noticed as we eroded

I wanted so much more

But time followed me to shore

As I made my last goodbyes

I sit here and wonder why

just feeling

soft shapes and soft faces

the places where i see them

the feelings that i bring to them

i feel peaceful

I feel calm

I feel light and waiting

places that were full of bad taste

fill me up with nothing

too content to care now

too wanting to berate it

i see your face

and it makes me smile

just to sleep here

warm and knowing

just to wait her and pretend

that i can see the future

i feel crazy but so warm

it conflicts me

it confuses me

it grows in me

i want to tell you that i care

i want to tell you but i'm scared

please feel the same

so i can feel the same too

and it can grow and grow

and envelope us whole

watching, waiting, sitting, craving

I painted my fingers orange

But it didn't change the way I saw them

I painted the sky red

But it didn't change the way it sat there

I painted the mirror white

But it didn't change the way it taunts me

The chill was shaking me

But it didn't change the way it felt to me

It didn't change a single thing

And maybe because it was always there

Always waiting to reappear

Breath caught in the breeze

The bees don't buzz above tall trees

Tornadoes come leaving things a muck

But they don't really notice much

It is all the same

Tornadoes come and ruin what I built

But I don't really notice much

It is all the same

Bursting through the clouds

Making joyful sounds

But underlying all is the feeling of the fall

The feeling of the chill

In my bones

In my ears

In my shoes

And in my hair

I want to leave it alone

But it grows and grows

Churches and people

Steeples and preachers

Where does the rain end

What was ever left to defend

I watched it wilt

I watched it brown

The song it sung was missing sound

I cleansed my soul

But my soul was based on grief

And it built on that

And it sleeps and sleeps

Jutting edges don't cut me so deep now

Sharp pieces dull in their sleep

I pictured my life here

And I watched it sleep too

I watched it bleach

I watched it set in the ground

Till it could not be pulled out

And still I sit waiting for it to reappear

i cannot breathe

where does life begin

i see the way your smile spins

i tried to see what it did to me

but nothing helped my path

i wake up and wait to see

what my days and body brings

but i am stuck

i cannot breathe

i wanted this so i could play my part

but doubt and reason rip me apart

faces of a crystal glass gleam together

but you can still tell them apart

what if i could break that mold

be so bold?

what if i could think an actual thought

i wanted this to help me think

set in my skin a healthy chink

but what if it just weighed me down

what if i don't know how

i needed this to help me breathe

but the more i feel

the more i think

i just want to do

wait and see

where do the people go

lost in problems to big for the world to know

how could someone break that mold

i will never be content

living the same life

as the people before me

never be content with the things that bore me

but still i feel

and with it i still believe

that i could live

i could still breathe

i wanted this

i needed you

but until then

i cannot move

i cannot breathe

i would be

to see where you are

to be where it starts

to understand the place where you parked

to see where the sun sets

to be where the sun sets

i would be fine

i would be fine

to know that everything had its course

to love and be loved

to be where the world starts

to feel all the beat of hearts

to be calm and assured

to see where the horizon line blurs

i would be kind

i would be kind

to know that the world begins anywhere

to feel with the wind

to keel in emotions

to keep on holding

to keep frozen frozen

to keep heat hot

i would be whole

i would be whole

to know that the world is spinning

Holes

Creeping on a tree

A lonely vine

Holding on to something

For support

For their life

Something was amiss

Something was awry

Why does this become

Why must our minds lie

To know everything

And nothing

All you are is gone

It doesn't really matter

It doesn't really shine

Holes in the floor

Holes in the roof

Holes in the walls

Holes in the proof

they eroded

And decayed

Without a second glance

And now they are left

Forever sitting ducks

To the erosion

To the hurt

And now all that is left

Is to pick up the mess

And hope it goes quickly

And turns into dust

Tired

I keep feeling lost

I keep beginning to hope

Just to get squashed again

I keep running in circles

Getting way over my head

I keep wanting to shout it out

But it always stays in my head

My eyes are dry

My feat are bare

My life lives on without a care

And I stick to it

And I breathe it

Always around

And I feel in it

And I dream in it

Always without without making a sound

I can here my own voice

Talking in a monotone

And I can hear the desperation

That I know that they hear

And I know they want to help

And I know that they can't

So I am stuck in square one

Where I know I can't get out

And I am tired of it

Just tired of everything all the time

Tired of being here

With images assaulting my mind

I want to let go

I want to live

But it's just holding me back

I am so tired of it

Just tired

Tired

Tired of it

Alone

hello

i see this grave place

i see this empty space

i want to begin to understand

to hold on tight to anything else

but there is nothing there

besides the wait

and the dripping of heat

as the crack grows wider

and the feeling grows

the emptiness expands

until it consumes

and undermines

hello

i see the growth

i see the destruction

raging inside me

calm, while breaking bit by bit

all i can do is wait

but it is strung so delicately

and i don't know how to wait

it might not ever come

when do i start to look

if it snaps then i am done

forever to be in this expanse

of never relenting pain

until i shrivel to the dust

hello

i see my fate

i see the false

but the pretense

and the fear

i want and i need

to just hold you in my arms

and be safe

can't stand this hurt

pretending to be okay

when all i know

is everyday

how alone

i feel

and hope not to stay

hello

i see this dream

i see my need

i see the feelings i am too afraid to speak

more than lust

or status

or anything at all

just the pulsing

and the waking

and the pull of the waves

waiting to feel anything but the way it feels right now

waiting for it to grow back into the shadows

But the waiting is never enough

meh

Sometimes I want to jump and just feel

And breathe in the the air and discover the chill

Of a warm breeze against skin

The feeling of sun in my lungs

But the feeling of loss is never far from

And the city lights are crying out

For the forest and the sea

They never looked back to wallow

Still they drift farther and farther

It makes me want to scream

To just cry

Why does it hurt like this when all there is to life

Is to live and then die

The summer comes faster here then ever

When I want to be there

But I can't because I am disappearing

And I am messing up

And I am feeling

Feeling lost and alone

Like they told me it felt

But I could have never known it hurt so much

And I had to feel so much

I was so used to just being and not feeling at all

Anger in me at not really understanding

The set way of my feet and the jagged intake of breathe

The music that I hear

The places that I see

The food that I taste

And nothing but a memory

I am singing for my song to live

I am singing to give my heart away

So that I can truly live

Am I just too naive

Or not naive enough

I live and breathe and feel and believe

But it is never enough

I want and I need and I shrivel to dust

But it is never enough

I am gone to this

I am born to this

I will die to this

Do I see myself as clearly as I make out to do

Or am I living here, not having a clue

I am broken to this

I am set in this

I am bleeding to this

And still I feel

I feel so easily

And it is gone

Gone to the breeze that brought me there

Pushed away to be brought up again

Slipping into clouds and textures

Believing in the nothingness

Joy is all I have

But it is going sometimes

To leave me out to drift

But the feeling is gone now

Leaving me wondering what I missed

I live in golden arches

I live here in golden arches

I fear my death

So I climb a mountain

But still no rest

I live in golden arches

Were suns come to rest

I fear my sanity

For I have no test

I live in golden arches

Abundance is abundant

I fear my weakness

But still I indulge it

I live in golden arches

Were my secrets can hide

If only I had them

Forever I abide

no hero, only human

hanging over the ground

hard and rigid

reaching out

waiting to be forgiven

sun goes in mid flight

what does it take to kill tonight

crazy and wicked

severed hands and feet

liefs to bid

hell gives no heat

i am your lord

i give no peace

what does it take to hold on tight

in the midst of this

the thrill of fight or flight

you cannot beat this

it takes over your mind

what does it take to feel alright

when you have no choice

what do you choose

picking sides

only to lose

or believing a side

that will surely kill you

i give no reason

i give my time

i give it all

and in due time

i will collapse

but it is better there

where i know nothing

where i can disappear

if i give in

if i give up

what will become of us

Can't

I am staying whole

While feeling bleached

The feeling cold

The feeling deep

Stark white

Shifting feet

I want this

But I can't see

And I can't breathe

I want this

But I can't reach

And I can't believe

close to

Just soft, just living here right now

Just whole, and breathing and right

I can cry to want

But I can only see what might be

And what I don't have

This is where I want to be

Hand in hand

And feeling too

So what is it that I know not

The feeling of this feeling lost

All I know is what could be

Holding on and holding tight

Warm and close

And feeling right

To just be loved

Without restrictions

Or regulations

To just know that I am safe

So alone

So wanting

So frightened

Feeling forgotten

Simple be simple

Hello world I am a bubble

That magnifies all faults

And I sit here and I weep

For what I know as false

Hello world I am a bubble

That magnifies all our glories

And I sit her and I weep

For what I know as false

Hello world, I give you patience

And yet you continually move faster

Not caring where you run to

As long as you are running

Simple be simple

Be kind and unsure

And when you grow older

Grow wiser for course

And if you die young

Be okay with the world

Hello world I am a bubble

In the midst of your tribulations

I grant you some peace

But I don't grant you courage

Hello world I am a bubble

Of soft spoken vows

That make you grow strong

But make you weary of how

Hello world, I give you choice

But you continue to be suspended

In arguments, picking, choosing sides

Not caring what is in your own mind

Simple be simple

Be kind and unsure

And when you grow old

Grow wiser for course

And if you die young

Be okay with the world

It might seem trivial but I like to think we are pointless

It feels like our sleeves

Are dripping with the tension

But we don't give a fuck

As we run into this new dimension

And their noses were stuck up

But we didn't give a care

As we followed them on down

Their crystal stairs

They have not a clue

Sit there and pretend

I have pity

But not enough to act on it

And they line up on the walls

Waiting for their call

But they don't see the truth

They only see their greed

And still I follow suit

Trying to act cool

As I watch them in their thrones

Pretending to be civil

With a blank white wall

Because honey we can sit here and pretend

But we can always run

And run and run

They can't run

They can't hide

They are no better than a child

No where to go

Just whining and begging

For something as useless

As a show on a telly

And I can run and run

we are broken

we are broken

we can't see

it's plain and simple

just let it be

it's just left to its own devices

just let it be

it is plain and simple

like you and me

we are broken

we have no use

but we still think

and that's were it begins

and we are still alive

but broken non the less

living as the tide

but the tide was put to rest

we are broken

and we can't be

but here we are

plain to see

standing by the open air

waiting for something

someone

anything

we are broken

and we just let it be

what use is love

if you don't love me

and what use is it

to sit and wallow

when all you are

is plain and hollow

you are simple

we are broken

What is it to kill

Right and wrong

Wrong and right

You have been taught these things

In a fit of plea

To help you on your way

To reach your destiny

Your heart is kind

You can only do

What you find to be just

But what is right and wrong

What if there is no good and evil

Just what is and what isn't

What if the world was just an oasis

Away from space

Where you would float an eternity in

And when you became bored

You simply reached down

And planted yourself here

On earth

To take a life

To make a mistake

To fake and to lie

To cry and to die

What does it feel like to live

And keep on preaching the things

You know to be good

But knowing that nothing is pure

And realizing

One must sometimes pick a lesser evil

Or a greater good

Even if the consequences are misunderstood

How does it feel to live

And to breathe air filled with blood

And know that you could never

Could not ever

Do this to another

Like so many have

Even if it means risking it all

Risking it all for the sake of what is right

What if the stars are mocking you

Just laughing at your tears

What if you have only been making a fool of yourself

Through all of these years

Of suffrage

And pain

With nothing to gain

But a sense of self

What if all this is a playing ground

To watch you sleep

And watch you die

But you know

You could never give in

Never kill

Never fall ill to destruction

And it rips at your soul

To know so many do

And do it willingly

For the pleasure

Of all the pain

Just to watch it rain

With blood

And there are those

Who watch them die

And cannot see

They are blind

To what is true

And what is pure

And with there vengeful tears

They fight

And kill

And do what they will to seek revenge

Thinking they know what is right

And maybe they are

Because what is a man

Who kills a man

Who kills a man

Because what is a wrong

Gone unpunished

But still you do not turn into the want

Because to take another life

Would break you

Does this make you weak

Or does this make you strong

How can this end

When it has gone on for so long

Like a cycle of grief

Forever slaying a beast

That when killed is reborn in another

You foolish little girl

You silly little thing

You act like you don't know where to be

You tainted little beast

You go around like a pendant on a string

You tiny deadly wasp

Is this what you think life is about

You eat up everything

Like it belongs to only you

Well heres to you

Who think I am a fool

I don't care any other way

Just as long as you stay away

You foolish little girl

Like a cat who only walks

To get you to the door

Whining like a child

Just to be let out in the cold

And find it to be rash

And want right back inside

I know exactly who you are

I have seen your kind

You who know no boundaries

Except those of your own

I pity you

Like time pities the innocent

And you pity me

Like a lion pities an antelope

But it makes no difference

I would rather live alone

And locked away

Than live inside your head

Your rapid spreading fire

Is running on oxygen

That has been cycled way to much

And breathed much too long

It is running out of air

And your fire is too dirty

And your fire is too hot

And your fire is left to putrefy

Guardians Fool

And we break on through the darkness

And we told them all our fears

But we didn't get the chance

To shed all of these tears

Because they keep on flowing

Even after all these years

And yet they don't falter

They are a constant

They are our alter

And our shadows let us be

As they traveled through the dark

They left us hollow

But they left us our hearts

And we don't go a moment

Without thinking it cruel

That all that we loved

Just made us all fools

And our fates were left undetermined

But we settled them here

We were just left to decay

And bury our fears

But we don't have the choice

And we just had to choose

To live on and on

Till we have lost all to lose

And our minds were left numb

And our hands remained idle

But we can't blame a single one

And we can't turn our backs to the sun

And our faces were harsh

And the smiles were cruel

But we got out of bed

And we left them the rest

And we all followed the rules

And when we thought we would cave

And leak into dust

We fought our way through

Just to comfort the rest

And we believed we were good

And we believed we were fine

But we left the world empty

Of all our damn time

And we begin to hope

That we were all wrong

And the song that we spun

Was a song way too long

That we shared what we could

And we thought what we thought

But it was all for nothing

And we were all left to rot

Just left to rot

wasted

Jam on a paper plate

Shapes off the interstate

The faces that you love to hate

The stars that collide in place

The sun that shines on

Even when you never notice

The boy that calls to you

Ever wanting more

The doors to an empty place

Teeming with life

But longing for liveliness

The creatures in the garden

And under your bed

Are dead

The books read that do not give

The tales they tell

Just to get a laugh

The bridges you burn

The sky that burns too

The family you lost

But has not lost you

The lost thoughts you used to have

The ideas that sprung are clogged

The dreams you dream

Do not mean a thing

The hands you have are bleeding

While still dry

The eyes you have are crying

Behind an emotionless facade

The people you know

But don't really know

The teachers that teach

Not one thing that you learn

But the things that you absorb

Then forever let go

Never to be thought of again

The things that you say

The things that you write

The things that you think

Don't mean a thing

The settling rush

The flowers you pass

The sidewalks you walk on

But you never really walked on

The things that you saw

But you never really saw

Is this how it is

Is this how you want to live

Expecting no more from life

While they expect nothing more from you

Is this how you will always be

Just waiting for the next day to rest

But never looking back

Never having one regret

For all the wasted time

Gather them

I see the sun

But it is weary

And all you loved

Is standing next to me

While your away

I am to stay

Forever stay

Gather them home

Take them away

I need them no more

They want you to stay

With them

Always

With them

Speak of the light

Speak of the dark

They are so very believable

They strike a chord

Forever to store

And they call

You to make the decision

I am so cold

Waiting for them

I am so stone like

I stand on this ground

But I don't feel anything

I stand on this ground

You went away

Like an animal in fright

You flew away

In the dead of the night

And all you love

Stands next to me

Carry them home

They don't belong to me

Stay in my head

What if I told you a secret

That you could repeat

And it was so sweet and hopeful

What if I repeated conversations in my head

That I thought we would have

That I thought we would give

We can grow up

Get away from this town

I don't know why

But I can't get you out of my head

And if that shows

I hope it does

Please think of me

And I think it is crazy

And I am a little ahead of myself

But I can't get you out of my head

i was never for you

If I had a chance to get this pass

I would tell you all the things I feel

If I had a chance to make you cry

I think that I would take that

If only it made you see

You are so rash

You can't forget the past

If I had a chance to get this pass

I would tell you all the things I can't stand

All the things that make you so

So resistible

Maybe I am biased

Maybe I am on a hiatus

For breaking hearts

But I will take that chance

If I had a chance to get this pass

I would tell you the things that make me happy

And the way of my world

You just don't see

You are stuck in your own drama

And I can't count on you

To help me when I am dreaming

And this will never work

I don't have a chance

To help you see

I try and I try

But you won't learn anything from me

You won't understand

And I can't take that chance

Because ultimately

You revolt me

Is that wrong

I don't have a chance

To help you believe

In the world

So I can't make you change

And I don't want to

Because you won't learn anything from me

You won't take lessons to heart

You won't understand the art of the world

You won't see the things I am

You will never see the things you are

As clearly as the world does

I don't have a chance

I never had a chance

I can never help you

So get over me

Like I never got over you

Because I was never for you

And I never will be

This is how it ends

human today is so strange

Making a change is so hard

And so easy

So very confusing

What do you want me to think

I will think anything you say

Even though I want my own mind

And I want to make my own decisions

I will believe anything you say

Why should this divide us

Insecurities are driving humanity away

You will believe everything I say

Is that how it is supposed to be

What if you looked into my mind

And saw I was just me

I want to breathe your air

And be your friend

I want to follow you until the end

I want to be okay

You can make me okay

Please make me okay

voices, voices, voices

Expecting and wanting

I cannot feel

I cannot think

What do you want

What do you need

Did you ever solve your own problems

Did you ever think I only had my own interest at heart

I don't care

You know best

I am not my own

But I am your servant

I am your bride

And your faithful vice

Take me

I am yours completely

I can use you

And I can abuse you

I can not do this to you

But how could I have your life in my hands

How could I make your decisions

When I need to make my own

Do you see your foolishness

Do you see your faults

You cannot learn from me

You must learn from yourself

But you are so wise

And you advise and advise

How can I turn away

When I know

You have the best lessons

How could I knowingly turn my back

On the one thing keeping me sane

Believe me when I say I don't want to

But you brought this on yourself

I wanted to be their for you

While you were their for yourself

But you are to far gone

And you are turning me insane

I must turn my back on you

And leave

Did you ever think of that

Did you ever think of how this affects me

Think for yourself and you will see

How could you

I cry and I cry

What do you want me to do

I cannot live without you

How can I earn you back

How can I make you see

You mean the world to me

How can I survive

I will devote my life to you

And try to make you see

You are everything

And I wait and wait

And I begin to love you less and less

And this anger is burning

And I hate you more and more

I need you

But you walked out the door

And I am talking to myself

In this empty space

How could you just walk away

When I count on you for so much

How can I make you see

And I take your advice

Except the advice you gave me

When you said

I should turn my back to you

I thought you needed me

Like I need you

I thought you were my life

And that you enjoyed my service to you

How can I learn to understand what you mean

When you are not here to help me

What am I supposed to do

It has been so long

Since I listened to you

And I hate you

I hate you so much

I must find some one else to love

Some one else to trust

Some one else to guide me

And the cycle begins

And this is how thinking ends

But not everyone is so kind

They use and abuse

How should you know how to get out

When this was all you ever wanted?

I travel this imperfect path

Say it isn't so

That the winds are too in place

The embodiment of your stance

Is so insignificant

Is this where you are supposed to stand

Is this what is rightfully yours

The winds mock you

When they have never mocked you before

So if they are fixed at this place

And they are perfectly aligned

And if this is perfect

I scoff at perfect

I call its bluff

I wouldn't serve it

Even if it were enough

Enough to get by

Enough to get through

I travel this path

Uneven and jagged as it is

And I do it happily

Why can't I cry

I want to love you

I want to be asleep and not have dreads of waking

I want to be free of the chains I put on myself

I want to live and enjoy your company

I want to make you happy

I want to smile and be genuine

I want to live life and not regret

I want to believe all the things I take for granted

I want to feel the light I speak so highly of

I want to feel the love I dreamed of

I want to feel calm and warm and whole

I want to break out of my mind and explore yours

I want to wake up and be vibrant

I want to stop being so self-righteous and moody

I want to just be free

I just want to be free of the barriers

I just want to stop my constraining chest from heaving

I just want to let it all out

I just want to cry

Why can't I just cry

I just want to be free from my own expectations

And I am so sorry

I am just so sorry that I was wrong all along

I am just so, so sorry that I was so broken

I am just so sorry that I am breaking piece by piece

And I have no clue what is wrong with me

I have no clue what to do

I have no clue about life

I have no clue, as I thought I did

And I feel like such a bitch and such wreck

And this doesn't make any sense

Nothing ever makes any sense

And I am just so sorry

UGHHHHHH

I hope to not leave anyone burdened With a thing that I say or do Because I feel so lost And broken And I want to believe If I say that I am The feelings will be reprieved But I don't know how And I can't say when But I hope if I do Someone will help me And understand what I mean I am so scared to talk So scared to think That I might fail At everything

I feel fine

If I were to stand

In a place full of sand

I would feel nice

But I could not feel whole

Once I am dead

Carry me home

To the place I was born

And the place that I love

I was sitting on the steps to a doorway

And I was thinking of you

But instead of feeling

I felt nothing

And I was fine

What does it take to get a person into this place

What does it take to meet someone new

I once saw a place

I would dance at

Sitting on a hill

And I felt fine

I was laughing

And I was being what I could

To make ends meet

And I finally understood

And I felt fine

Reality

Collisions on an interstate

Feel suddenly far away

When everything you wanted

Is sitting right in front of you

Destiny

Somewhere out there

There is a hope

That someday We will fly away

And never come back

Somewhere out there

There is a curse

That magnifies are sorrows

And all of our hurts

If today was the day that I died

I would not be surprised

But I would wonder my purpose

Because nothing is what I have accomplished

Somewhere out there

Someone listens

To all of our hopes and our fears

But they don't care

Somewhere out there

There is a promise

That everything we did

Led to our own destruction

If today was the day that I died

I would not be surprised

Because destiny is nowhere to be found

And I think random is what we are

Somewhere out there

There is fate

But nothing we do or say

Could bring us there

Somewhere out there

There is a lesson

And my hope is

That every one will listen

If today was the day that I died

I would not be surprised

But everything I hoped

Would be proved wrong

Everything I knew

Would be true