Sad

It's a wonder

That I have not felt

The certain sinking sadness

Since I could call you mine

But now that I can't make myself

Understand these equations

I've been falling through this water

Without the float you put me on

I can't swim when I'm choking on the dark

And I can't make myself want to

This foreign language is meaningless

The coldness starts again

The breath so shallow again

I'm already tired of it

I'm already done

But don't you know, it's just started?

Charles

My Grandpa's gonna die

And I will fall down to the ground and cry

My Grandpa's gonna die

And my mother will be so messed up

For a very long time

My Grandpa's gonna die

And he'll be with grandma in the sky

My Grandpa's gonna die

And his stories will be left behind

My grandpa's gonna die

And I'll keep on living all my life

My Grandpa's gonna die

And all the things he told me

I might forget them all

My Grandpa's gonna die

He's got cancer in his brain

My Grandpa's gonna die

And I love him

And I miss him now

And I'll miss him for a very long time

The night

I remember when I was just a few years younger

When I would feel so lost inside myself

How that one night lying on the floor

In a sweaty pair of flannel pants

I wore for the occasion

Just to feel comfortable as I laid and tried to sleep

And then my restless mind couldn't take it

So I wandered through that church

And I would begin to think of you

How I was willing you with my mind to notice me

Willing you to raise from your slumber

Out to the room I was in

So that we could occupy the same space together

And hold on to this shared something

Just laying in the night

How I wished with all my might

Just for you to know

This warmth in my chest

Felt ten times more than wonderful

And it was all due to my fondness for you

I couldn't help myself for feeling sad

As the impossibilities of you

Becoming tethered to my need

And reaching out

Became apparent

And I knew it would be a long time too

If it ever was to happen

I didn't know it yet

But that was the night I fell in love

And I know you fell a long time ago too

So I tried to sleep

Never knowing the change in me so deep

Was starting

Emotions

Why in the world

Could it ever make sense not

To want this deep sadness

Reside in your chest

Because it becomes a comfort

If you hated it

You might be more motivated

To change it

And that's how it gets

And it grows to an extent

I don't imagine I'll ever tame it

Why in the world

Does everything turn brighter

Your heart feel lighter

When you see the joy

In being so free

When I am happy

I feel this inside of me

The sudden bursts

My smile and grace

And most of all

I see your face

Why isn't it enough to love you

Why must the struggle be so true

If I could stand next to you

I would feel your skin

Feel electric with it

I would become this gentle monster in me

Wanting to seduce you

In all the right ways

But I never see you

So no, it's not enough

But it is too

And I feel like the animals do

And I feel like the philosophers do

And I feel like the tortured musicians do

And I feel like you

And I feel like myself at last

And I feel like I'm crazy

And I feel like myself at last

Smoke

With this is enough of life

You turn on the burning

You make it with no pain

And I can see myself

Trying anything to breathe it in

To feel the buzz

Anything bringing me closer

To your skin

Let the feeling in

Let the smoke curl

And the residue sink through

Roots

We grew up through separation

And we grew up like the trees,

Our hearts beat as their hearts beat

And I am listening so closely,

I wonder, are you listening too?

When I dance I don't feel like crying

And when I am thinking of you,

I think of all of the reasons

That I should feel sorrow

And my heart is smiling,

What could that mean?

I am a machine

To which my heart's shallow

And all that I want,

Is to be loved by you

I grew up holding

Onto my own fingers

And now I am reaching,

To hold on to you.

I grew up with the trees

And my heart beats as their hearts beat

But my roots cannot firmly stay,

For now I am reaching

Forever reaching,

Just to hold on to you.

Pattern

After a while the things that make me

Aren't so nice

The formula i seem to have

Is mocking me

Waiting for judgment

Waiting for the next kid over

To sit down

And say what a little shit

For thinking I'm so special

Well that too

And I get tired of myself

It's like that

So set in these rythm of words

It's like that

When I see you smile

It's sometimes

Better than any sentence you could utter

And when you touch me

I don't feel so scattered

Or so set in a pattern.

Zombies

If time were a memory

I'd have the cognition

Streaming down my back

Ticking moving gears

Ready to be bent

And molded out of fear

I have a suspicion

I'm reaching for you

And finding air

Like a floating dream

Instead of my most precious

Memory

But you reach too

If time were a messaging

I'd sing it to gold

With fitted wings

ready to fold

If the air is too cold

Too cold

My fingers are warm

Underneath my blaze

Your eyes

Don't match the end times

They're burning like coal

When the people with charred

Little nubs

Have terrible crowns of light

And I kiss your mouth

Like it's been open

For a while now

I'd take you home

I'd take your sorrow

I'd take your gladness

And reach to the ten fold

I would take you home

Lay you down

And take you were the streets

Run old

Where the zombies of our time

Are left behind

Mother

What was it like to be a lonely only daughter

What was it like to feel pain

What was the sunshine that touched down on your shoulder

Did it feel like summer rain

And all I have given it has to be to offer

That reason for no other gain

And all of the mothers with little lonely daughters

Often don't want to relinquish the same

What was it like to be a woman in the meadow

Often the buds land in may

Soft flowing skirts

And your blonde bouncing babies

All on your hip in the haze

Their chubby fingers and round little tosies

Land on your soft curving legs

What was it like to be the bountiful widow

Left with a basket of bread

How did it feel to love your only daughter

Even when tears show the pain

And I was so small in that golden meadow

But I have no grief for the world

You are the one who gave me all the brain cells

To realize why god gave us day

Parent

You can see into my disease

But you can't make that become me

You can see into what makes me

But you can't comprehend the binding

And it's such a personal thing

You can't honestly be looking at me

Like the daughter you once had

Who you held so sparingly

Who you fed and clothed

And everything

I am not that

You can no longer take care of me

Because I will resent you

And that may be sad

But it's the truth

Little World

The vision of silence

The velvet night on skin

Like an owl in the city

His eyes look like a grin

As the city lights

From city buildings

And city streets

Light up the yellow specks

Hiding underneath

The vision of a ghost

Flashing across the sky

As the lyrical thoughts

Of a poet's heart and mind

Feel the depression

Of a long forgotten host

And it found a living

memorial

Inside a small

Brown box

The vision of the high seas

Rolling in the wind

It found its own leather coat

As it slapped across the sins

Of an ever living light

That swallows up the whale

Living in a small, broken home

Inside a small, red pail

And a small, red smile

And a small, red tongue

Sticking out from the shout

Of the seaman from the sun

In that small, brown box

And within a yellow home

Manipulated by the hands

Of a boy yet to be grown

The vision of a castle

Mighty in the sky

The people all around it

Disgusting in the mind

And all there is to see

Is a small, white jumping cat

In the big, round fighting field

Playing with a sluggish rat

Whose little squeaks

And little eyes

Scream out to no one

Lost in time

And if I was a miracle

I'd jump right at your side

And bring my horse of virtue

And my cup of wine

And if I was a hurricane

I'd climb on summer's back

And bring green to the pastures

Of the mid-west track

And if I was a woman

I'd only die when I knew

The sun and moon would carry on

And all my kin

And all my love

Was nurtured by them all

To love you

Holding on to the small of your back

Like it's something alive

Something beautiful

Like it is

The bones hold tight to muscles and skin

And I want to be that

I want to see that I mean more to you

Than a long forgotten memory

The people that we used to be

I want to see that I mean more to you

Than your own insecurities

I can't help my doubt

It kills me too

That I know that it is useless

To believe

You don't want me

It kills me inside

That this happiness I feel

When I touch you

Is always fleeting

Always repeating into sorrow

As I see we are separate

And I want to love you

Everything I am supposed to be comes later

Everything that I want to be comes later

I am too young now

I grew up too fast

I already long for a life

With you

But you're too shy

And you're too doubtful

And you're too afraid

Of something

About holding a woman

Like your supposed to

When you love her

And I am still too young

For any of this

Missing

I love, love, love the way

You call my name

Then leave it on the floor

I hear, hear, hear the way

Your mouth shapes

Words not spoken before

And even, even, even if I

Tried to recreate it

It'd never do

I love, love, love the way

Your perfect pace

Keeps winding out the door

What is this memory

Of frozen things

That soft, white light

Of the windows

Reflecting the feeling of love

Even if I can't have this

I'd rather not forget

The way it felt on my tongue

To kick and scream and fight

But not tonight

Never tonight

You love, love, love the way

I call your name

And do the things you ask

You hear, hear, hear the way

My eyes tell you

Quitting time is past

You listen, listen, listen for the

Warning bells

To chime

You love, love, love the way

The metals

All collide

And even if they

Even if they fell to the floor

You'd fix the cracks

You'd find the paint

You'd find the time

To pick the parts that are

Not working anymore

And you'd create my bones

Out of different ties

And I'd be perfect

Just so perfect

That I would forget

How to cry

Drowning

All the things that I wanted to be

Never told me that I would just quit

And everything else that runs through the dark

Is conspiring to make me feel like shit

Maybe this time next year

I'll again have too much to drink

And end up with my hands smelling like vomit

And my face smelling like guilt

I am drowning

With or without you

And it doesn't make me feel nice

I am drowning

In a sea of my own faults

And I'm so tired of trying to be strong

All the things that I hate

Are running strait out of my pours

Into the night like a rat

Straight to the hearts of the people

That I have claimed to love

So listen clearly when I say to you

I don't want us to live this life

I am drowning

Don't think that you love me

Even if it feels like you do

I am drowning

I'll lose my mind

And end up without a direction

And don't think for one second

I have any clue what I'm saying to you

I'm afraid

And I'm lonely

I have no thing left to do

Than delve into my misgivings

And pretend I don't know how to feel

And maybe I'm trying

To feel like I know what to say

Maybe

I am drowning

And all that's left

Is to give my last breath away

I am drowning

I am recreating all the things

I've been meaning to say

Proud

What was the last thing I was truly proud of

It seems like all my thoughts, emotions, words

Mean nothing when I have no use for them anymore

They mean nothing as I mature

Into better, bigger things

But were does my conviction go

Were does my absolute certainty

That I know where I stand in my own mind

Flee to when I no longer feel what I am

What I was

Is right

And how do I get up from my own self

Bringing all I believe in, down

And why is there only one right way

Only one thing bigger than the rest

Is it really love

Is it faith or truth or loyalty

Is the world always hipocracy

And if none of it means anything

Will you still be here

To enjoy it while you can?

Human

Your vision of the dark night

And your song about the truth

Your feelings of one true love

And your vision of a ghost

All are compounded

By a simple rule

Of I don't care

And never will

You only carry what you believe

And anyone can believe a thing

If it makes them feel anything

Close to free

Of the madness in

Their own heads

Listen deep

Listen true

Listen to what

Your own heart

Does to you

Beats beats beats

Pulse on

Blood rushes to the surface

Scratching my own skin

Just to feel normal again

That's so stupid too

What is an intelligent thing

That's so stupid too

Your willingness to believe

Your willingness to give in

And say all you have

Had

All your sadness

Means something

Even more precious

Than your smile

Because it is what you feel the most

And this is why I'm a cynic

Of all the whole damn human race

Earth

A pace too slow

Too fast

To keep on track
With its own self

Oh to be human

Oh to have a mind

Too big for instinct

But not big enough

To even control itself

And this is what I mean

This is what I believe

This is what I think

Nervous Kiss

Fabric made of silk

Is it made to appreciate

Or just to slip away

I can't make you change

But I can watch you grow

And if you'd kiss me

Things would change

As always

Is it a lie or a complete truth

To love without faith

Or all the faith in the world

If I could touch you

Without the complications

Of the false implications

If I could make you shiver

In a different way

Than the nervous smile you give me

And then flutter away

If you could hold my hand

With no direction in which to stand

It's okay just kiss me

And everything will change

Is that so scary

Don't tell me it's a case of

You want what you can't have

And when you have it

You don't want me anymore

All this brooding

All this thought

All this longing

Leads to something

Sometimes

You could let it be

A slow, slow slumber

Or you could take it at a run

Kiss me now

Everything could change

It will be okay

Life right now

My entangled lives

They collide

When I'm too tired to mind

And if you said

That you're naive

Well then I'd say how come

Because only the people who want to be

Something they are not

Try to prove it

And the people who really are

Try to hide it away

The rain will fall

And I will be happy

But it's never a sure thing

Is that the charm

Or the vexation

I'm of the inclination

Of the former

But if we were to climb that latter

Like a two headed beast

Would we be anything that's worth it

If we can't find the beauty of nature

And grief

But enough of that

I can say how to sing

I can sing a song of breathing

But I can't make the weary say

Oh how they love the feeling

So you either pack your bags

Or you spread your seeds

And that has no account

For counting me

It starts with the heart

And into your eyes

Straight to the neurons

That think your alive

So be gentle with your own

God or whatever created

Experience of life

Or whatever atoms came from

Bonding agents

Well they gave me the choice

To pick freedom

Or chains

And I don't know which in the end

I will gain

It's a state of mind

It's a being of self

And no government or agency

Or elder

Can say

You are positively

Free

But I know that I'm trying

And I know that I'm okay

Say together now

I am free

Birds

And bees

And vine covered trees

They know what life is

But we?

Who are we

To say we know

When all our thinking gets in the way

When theology

And science

And all the things we've come to create

Stand in the way

Of a natural thing

Of our states of hunger

And our peace of instinct

I know what living is

All of us do

Just rip out your eyes

And feel the animal inside

Your guttural hide

The wild side

And then there is love

What else can you do

There is trouble

Deep waters

Sadness

Feelings running close enough

But not quite as deep

Next to your love

Can you feel it yet

Magic

Beyond science

Beyond your crazy beliefs

Can you feel it yet

Then there is love

And what else is there to do

Then there was love

Fucks: none

Seven days a week

Every day I'm wasting my time

Every day I'm shouting inside

And I don't give a fuck

Twenty-four hours a day

I think of you

And I get confused

And I don't give a fuck

Life like invisible ink

If you can't see it

There is no point

And I don't give a fuck

Maybe if I give meaning

To something I don't see meaning in

I can't lie to myself

And I don't give a fuck

Faces

There was a girl who loved to read

And often thought a lot

She saw the world with pickled eyes

And a widening heart

All she had she had gained

From the love she shared with places

And the faces

Of the small town she lived in

And wanted nothing more

Nothing less

Than someone of her own to call home

To know how truly she was blessed

When she was older

And knew of grown up things

She saw the world through judging eyes

And sleeping, slipping feet

She saw how shallow hearts hurt her

And shriveled her own smaller every day

She finally found someone

But his love came much too late

And she wasted away all her time

With a bottle and a pill

There once was a man

That loved a woman very very much

But she was growing weary

Of the way he talked

So he took her in his arms

With her tears seeping to the floor

And he kissed her were it hurt

And then loved her no more

Walking away from a woman

Too in need of what she could not touch

And it hurt him so deeply

He wasted away all his time

With a bottle and a pill

When finally he realized

How pointless life would be

If all he did was sleep

And then he forgave himself

For what he once could be

Then one day

A little girl came

And took the woman by the hand

And she cried

For everything she had

Her mother was a nurse

And her father won the war

And she couldn't quite fathom

Why he won it for

So the woman picked her up

And told her a story

Of how she walked the streets

Her love in blazing glory

How she let her blindness of the world

Tear that love apart

Instead of loving people

For the best they had to give

And that little girl stopped crying

And told the woman that

It's good to feel so sad

Because when you are happy

That sadness makes it deeper

And the woman saw the world

With starry eyes

I love you

I love you

I don't want to say anything else

About the fact of it

I don't want to see anything deeper

Just the sound of it

I love you

More and more

Less and less

Waves I guess

The land changes too

Your face changes too

Mine too

Ours too

I love you

Like nothing from a simile

I'm tired of things

That make thinking

So easy now

I just do

I love you

Wouldn't it seem

That you too

Have no reasoning

I love you

I like the way it sounds

The way it feels

The way

That way

Yeah, that way

I love the thought of loving

Too

I do

So

When

Does

It

Become

Real

Your eyes are so cold underneath

My eyes feel so steep

And I don't want any of it

Any more right now

The leaves are falling to the grass

To the shallow waters of the dirt

To the small people underground

It's all unsound

Tonight

I would have done anything

To not feel

Like I don't feel at all

Because

Because

Because

Of all this damn repetition

And I have nothing

And

And

And

So give me the package

You came to deliver

You came to leave

It all

So give me the feeling

Of not seeing

Of not hearing

Of not getting the whole picture

So give me anything

To show me

I'm not doing this to myself

I'm doing this to myself

Ghost

Gingerly now touch the frozen water

With a flick of your tongue

And a swish of your skirt

We welcome the smile

Of self indulgence

As you break the ice with your

Sharp little tooth and nail

We welcome the dark spattered kingdom

I was waiting for the dusk to come

So I could wash my wishes clean

And bring on all my severed dreams

That make me who I am

I was waiting for the dusk to come

So I could sleep in nothing

But the dark

And I grow weary now

Of my own impatience

For something I can't see properly

I grow weary of this slowness

The wretchedness of speed

Of time in all it's functioning

And wish the death of day would bring

This soiled frame of mind

I am the ghost

The ever living

Breathing ghost

That you call

Oh so benevolently

I am the evil

Sickening

Quickening

Bakery full of

The seven seas

The skies of thieves

I am the ghost

Of love

I am the ghost

Of love

I am the ghost

Of something

Left undone

Something

Meant

But never won

I am the ghost

Of love

You

You've got me

So that I know that I've

Fallen out of reach

You've stalled me

From seeing life

Or you've helped me

Once or twice

To get there faster

But if I don't see your face

Again

I hope you end up fine

And if maybe we have a life

intertwined

I hope you find a way to make it nice

These dreams and words and feelings

Crawling against my skin

Words like little daisies

And birds with Silky feather wings

They fell into this massive wave

Of all I have yet to see

The stars that watch my decent into

The depths of my mind

They never really cried as hard

For me

As all the other guys

And you have a lot to learn

But I know we'd be just fine

If you would only listen now

To my patience

And my own beating heart

That you've created out of stone

So that I have the cold hearted

Singing of a dove unflown

But that's another story

From my own point of view

I hope you find your message soon

Your life's resume

That all you want

Is not evil

And all that is evil

You would never want

Good

Good

Good things

Good words

Good thoughts

Good food

Good walk

Good sleep

Good love

Good god

When did I get so

Strange

And I don't think

I've ever been anything

Else

Awakening

Waking up to new noise

A new way of stepping out into

Too many jitters

My mind, it titters

Seeing all the apostrophes

Given to me

Like some kind of

Neurotic comma

Stuck on the lower points of life

These breaks in the sentence

Give meaning to breathing

As if to say stop your speaking

Stop your repeating

Your brain on chemicals

Your stomach wrapped up in acid

Pain

And your heart skipping beats

Like a turbulent plane

Good morning new sun

New era of thinking

I am the pariah

I am the only one singing

The song of rain

The song of loving you

Wishful thinking

I called upon its home

Hoping it was speaking

To the places I will go

When the battle is won

The break in the storm

Of all these emotions

Stuck in my head

Wanting me lost

Wanting me dead

Good morning wishful thinking

Your not just for fools

I followed your heels

Like a caffeinated puppy

Because it's too hard to bear

Living alone

When I see the light leave your eyes

Too many times

All of these imaginings

Or used to be's

Or even these false future falsities

I've seen you die

In my mind

A thousand times

Good morning new smile

I wanted all my thoughts

To be joyous things

That injected warmth

Into the hearts

Of all these bastards

Lining the streets

Just to be put in another line

Leading to nothing

And you could think you have meaning

You can think you have vitality

Pouring out of your skin

And into the sky

And out to the sun

That shines on because of it

And you could think you have no meaning at all

Your breath pouring out

Into winter cold air

Curling around your throat

Suffocating you there

In the place that you are

All in your head

Your brain in a coma

Your soul screaming

Just to be fed

Screaming to be let free

To touch another soul

And feel alive

Poetic

I am not in a poetic mood

In fact my need annoys me

I don't feel anything

And yet I am the queen of trying

I am not in a poetic mood

But my heart and mind scream write it down

I don't feel anything

And my body feels the suppression

My artful expression

Is killing me slowly

As I am chained to beliefs

I have made frozen

I am not in a poetic mood

Because I believe in it no longer

I don't feel anything

And yet my eyes, they hunger

I am not in a poetic mood

And my logic drowns my thunder

I don't feel anything

And my spirit feels like death

Can you smell the drug of it on my breath?

Can you hear me swallow it?

Can you see my tongue reach out and lick the remainders from my chin?

Can you feel my feet as they stomp this dirty heap?

I am not in a poetic mood

I am the definition of cynically inclined

I don't feel anything

My footsteps make a line

I am not in a poetic mood

My subconscious is crawling under dead skin

I don't feel anything

Can you blame any human for this?

Fuck you

What is the equation of a situation gone wrong?

Can you tell me

Or are you bluffing

The extent of what you own

In your own capabilities

I'm Angry again

I'm Angry always

Deep inside my mind

And my body is a tree

With the roots gone twisted

And my body is a youth

Untested

Am I weak?

They say it shows strength

To show weakness

But I can see in your eyes how you

Push me down

How you

Run your mouth

And yes I've done the same

But can you honestly say to yourself

It's my fault?

Well fuck you

Fuck you little girl

I've seen all the things you are

All the things your dreaming to become

And you will reach that

And when you tear yourself down

I won't be there

To see you crumble in the dust

Nothing to believe

Brain control

You will be subject to your own

I can't speak in fear

That you won't understand

I push all of you away

Like a startled doe in winter snow

Running from this place to teach the fawn

How to escape

From everything that has yet to be

And all the things biting at their hooves

Now and forever in the past

And you can't forget

Lest you die

And you can't be free

Lest you forget

Because I've felt your words before

Sting me so bad

And yet I can't say that I

Don't feel so dead inside

When I slap myself

With these words and emotions

I've made on my own

And I reek of the stench

Of things left untold

Of things kept inside

Too afraid to even lie

I don't like these words

I don't like the way my smile fades

If I feel happy things

And think happy things

Will I be happy

Or just naive?

Little Bird

Do you hear me small animal

So have my hand in the greatness of happiness

Do you have the heart for it

To squeal and revel in all you have done

Oh little animal

Oh little baby bird

I had so much to give to you

I had so much love swelling my heart

I had not forgotten any songs you've wrote

And yet I've forgot my own

Oh little bird

Sit on your thrown

Sit atop the brambles and thorns and dead leaves

Tell me how you stopped time from fleeting

Kept your heart beating

Without a care of the world

Tell me how you shoved the reality of it all into two pieces

Tell me little animal

You baby, baby, little bird

How you opened your eyes and found it all

To keep or not to keep

To hold and let go

Oh sleep

Young sleep

Old sleep

You had it all

And I will weep

Because little, baby, bird

You died then

You died right here

Tell me did it hurt to let it fly away from you

Did it hurt to realize your life was beautiful to me

To find you had meaning after all

You ceased the rain

Because it falls

Because it hangs

Because it stops sometimes

Oh little animal

I will love you

I will love you in the hope that

All I have has meaning too

Oh little bird

I will always love you

Woman

You have beat me

Tried to own me

Degraded me

But I am woman

And I am free

You have praised me

Worshiped me

Loved me

Because I am woman

And I am free

I may not own the world

I may not run the show

I may not be recognized

But you are woman too

You have shared the beat

Of a woman's heart

You have shared the love

Of an unspoken vow

She has given you wings to fly

And you have either cleaned them

Or dirtied them

And the woman gave you voice

And you have either sang

Or become swollen

Weather you recognize it

Or deny it

I am woman

And I am free

Weather you own it

Or despise it

You are woman

And you are free

One day

One day

I'll tell you

How I want

To slap her

To shake her

And it scares

Me how I

Can feel so

Much for you

That I would

Feel this anger

For your mother

Who keeps us

Apart

One day

I'll tell you

I love you

Without this stupid

Fear that I

Am scared of

What I already

Know as real

What I only

Know as real

I want to

Hold on and

Never let you

go

Serial

Can you

can you

can you hear me?

Wrap me up

And I'm still screaming

Did you hear the one

About your scars?

Mr.

Mr.

Mr. steamy

Got me caught

And now I'm wishing

All I had

I had not owed you

Did you tell me

How you loved my scars?

Do you

Do you

Do you watch me?

As you throw me into the sea

Limb by limb

But do you see my eyes?

How they scream

Oh I loved you

But now you'll rot

In a hell

Of my screaming

fucked

It's all the same stuff

I see your eyes

I see you when your world turns around

You fall down hard

And cry

If I could do that

I would fly

I forgot when I could

And when I knew my world could change

I knew I was falling

I am just living

I am just a robot

Watch my eyes turn

I am not the slow bot

I calculate the stars

Like they are nothing

I have no feeling

I have no emotion

I see these beautiful things

I want to cry so bad

I want to fly

But the damn in my eyes

You can't see my soul

I am not

I am not

I am nothing

But the sun in the sky

Emotionless cruel

You feel my heat

You see me

And feel cold

The snow on this ground

It came from my hair

That weighed me down

But I was born to wear this

I was born to be so wrong

So cruel to the people

That don't see me

You just use the idea of me

So that you can't see me

The hazy dreams

My drug induced coma

And all I can do is think of you

And how the person you are in my head

Is not you

And I'm so wrong

I want you so bad

I want you so bad

But I can't feel anything

I want to hold your hand

I want to kiss your mouth

I want you to consume me

But I can't feel anything

I can't feel anything

I am so far ahead of myself

And I can't feel anything anymore

Look at me just spurting out nothing

It doesn't mean anything

It isn't art

I just want to hold you

Feel this warmth for you

This love for you

Become real

So fucking tired of living in my own mind

That's why this drugs so bad for me

I can think I'm so lyrical

But I'm so gone

I'm so nothing

I'm so drowned out

I can't feel anything

I'm washed out

The bleach they used to clean me

Killed me

My soul

What the fuck is a soul

I don't have a soul

And no fucking god

Can heal me

I can't take your religion

I can't take your lover

I can't take your bright eyes

And turn them into a bare shore

I can't make myself feel

I can't feel anything

I am nothing royal

Or deep

I am just living

I am just here to think

And I can't feel

Can't experience anything

My hands run across this keyboard

But my keyboard doesn't have eyes

I'm the only one

I'm the only one who gets my own prize

All alone

Well guess what

I'm fucking done

If you want to fuck with me

Give it all up

Here I am

I just want to feel

Feel one fucking thing

I love that word like I love drinking free refill soda

fuck fuck fuck fuck

Well guess what angels

Demons

I am just human

And what the fuck does that mean?

Am I stuck here like they say

Stuck here to roam around as spirit

Come back another day

I'm tired of this place

I just want to feel love

Just want to feel one thing

That isn't this frustrating disdain

This frustrating pain

They say those who are depressed just don't know what's real any more

I can't feel anymore

I don't even know what's real

I can't feel

I can't feel

I can't feel

I can't feel

I can't feel

I can't feel

I can't feel

I can't feel

I can't feel

I can't feel

And if I can't feel

I'm just dead inside

My Prayer

I pray for the silence inside of me

To grow as a large wave

And be louder than sound

More piercing than a yell

Tender as a string of kisses

I pray for the silence to bring me peace

And open my eyes

To the small sounds of the worthy

And the harsh sounds to be avoided

I pray for this silence to save me

And carry me in its breath

To be free of what I no longer choose to understand

And rise above being human

To being a spirit surrounded and swathed

In a beautiful golden warmth

I pray for faith in silence

And glory above hate

A silent love

A silence without desire and pain

I pray for silence

You've hurt me

I don't care if it doesn't make sense anymore

I'm tired of trying to make excuses for you

Trying hard not to put the blame on myself

Like I've done too many times

You need to know that it's also your fault

You're also to blame

You need to know your pretend concern for me

Drives me away

You need to know how much you've hurt me

You've hurt me

You've hurt me

If I was solid

I'm trying to believe in something I can't feel

Trying to believe in something I can't see

I want so bad to reach out and touch you

I want so bad to reach out and feel your skin

If I was solid

If I was whole

I'd take you into my arms

I'd hold you still

I'd feel the tears

That I've held in

New

Oh how I was born strangely

With severed limbs and severed heart

Oh how I looked in your eyes

And saw you there

Oh how I was born silently

With severed knowledge and fragmented logic

Oh how I looked in your eyes

And saw you there

I am the mother

I am the father

I am the earth

I was shadows

I was darkness

I was wind

I swirled around your faces

I saw into your skin

I saw into my own

And that’s where I begin

Good morning new sun

I loved your faces

I loved you

I loved you

Good morning

I am the sound

I feel these depths intensify

You are the seed

I am the butterfly

I feel these colors vibrate

You are the brush

I am the creative state

I feel the earth changing

You are the rain

I am the weathering

I feel the spirit integrating

You are the body

I am the bodies craving

I feel the water

I feel the waves

I feel the slumber

Here comes the thunder

Here comes the shout

You are the mouth

I am the sound

Psychology of a Society

Every animal in the world is gonna bite you

Every boy and every girl is gonna fight you

And the only place that's safe is in your mind

And even there they'll find a way to touch you any time

I have a proposition

If you had the time to listen

The birds seem to crave your remission

I am nothing but a small speck of dust

The wind carries your cries of torture

I have no love for this created alter

It is the mind that carries our falter

And I see the way it plays across your eyes

Every animal in the world is gonna bite you

Every boy and every girl is gonna fight you

And the only place that's safe is in your mind

And even there they'll find a way to touch you anytime

And even if I liked you

I would find the time to spite you

I have no faith in institution

I am the mother of an endless pain

The CD skips a track on this record

I have no excuses for this painted lord

I fall back on his old, rusty word

I am a universe of contradictory actions

Every animal in the world is gonna bite you

Every boy and every girl is gonna fight you

And the only place that's safe is in your mind

And even there they'll find a way to touch you any time

Boy

I see you in my dreams

I see you commandeering my body

I see you grow in my mind

I smell you when I'm lonely

I hate you for it

I hate everything you do

You beautiful boy

You spawn of riches

You great and holy fuck

I see the light in your eyes

I see myself

Breaking it and leaving them

Void of any color at all

Tide

This sadness

Deep pools

Of clear gray

Ringing out

And Drawing in

Ride it out

Till you can feel

Normal again

Till you feel the

Dull ache

Behind closed eyes

But you can finally

Step away

From the tide

Always present

In your mind

words

Words

Oceans

Breathing

It's so frustrating

Believing

A caged bird

Who can

Only see

In the dark

It's gone

Back

To where

It belongs

Strangers

Feelings

Wanting

Seeing

Gone

Gone

Gone

It's hard facing

That which

You can't

Feel

It's hard

Believing

Words

Oceans

Love

Nothing

Absolutely

Nothing

At all

Growing

Dreams came like seasons

And they changed with moods

Sometimes only conversations heard

Sometimes bodies close together

Just holding on and finding peace

The thought of you

Fresh on the mind

Eyes burn for it

Willing you here

Beside this body

Enclosing it

In soft skin

And the scent of you

And how can it possibly

Be explained

The feeling of grace

The complex web

Of deep

Emotion

Your fingers

Reaching out

Entangling with these fingers

And turning into roots

That grow

And grow

Mirror

I do not mind that you are sad by the window, crying silently, waiting for the sky to rain. I do not mind that you are sad in the shower, with no emotion in your eyes and your hands balled into fists. I do not mind that you are sad when you are sleeping, dreaming about a girl who is unavoidable but too far out of reach. I do not mind that you are sad and lonely and depressed. I do not mind at all.

Your face is bleached into the color the stars make. Your hands are brown with dirt and loved by your mind for their color. I saw you dance in the moonlight, you were not sad. You were not sad, and I was not sad. You danced with the color of your face reflected back to you through the lights in the night sky. You danced in the moonlight and you ran back home after.

When you come in the front door and you smile, I see your freckles stretch and your skin pull tight and your eyes shine bright. When you come through the door and your mouth is a line, I see your calm face and the dead look in your eyes.

When I see my reflection, I see you looking at me. I see you see me. I see you. I am sorry and unafraid. I am strong and not withered. I am frayed on the edges but it gives my hope character.

When I look in the mirror, I love you no less.

A terrible fate

I dreamed of you

But instead of love

I felt grief

I felt sorrow

I felt disappointment

So deeply

Run through me

At the thought

Of not wanting you

Any more

Of not loving you

Any more

Skin

I wonder what you do

If you find it in your heart

To move

To face it all

To dance

This passion has passed

I don’t feel a thing for it but

Trepidation and a wanting

I lay here

Wondering what you do

Knowing that if I care enough

Is is worth it at all

Is it anything

Is this anything

And my body is eating me

Breaking me down

Composing me

Tangling me with desires

A breakdown of summer

Telling me

I want the sun

When all I want is rain

I want the rain

And the scent of you

On my skin

close to you

got myself all tangled around myself

Wishing you were here

But not knowing how

Got myself all tangled around myself

Wanting to breathe

Wanting to see

Wanting to be anywhere

Close to you

god sees me

His wan face

When he tells me

Everyday

How he cannot escape

But what if there is truth

To what they say

God looks at me

God said let's go

I had no intentions

No feelings of begrudging

And he looked at me

Smiled please

And all I did was follow

God sees my face

Sees my grace

But he knows not my smile

For I had love in my heart

For the squirrel

And the cater mole

And the fish

And the bird

But I had discrepancies

That led me to barriers

It led me to frays

And my mind is locked up

From these rays

God sees my family

My life

And my quirks

God saw me as I

Was walking

And noticed

A sign post

But do I have a right to care?

GO!

Feels like something I can't control

Feels like something I don't know

Feels like something I can't let go

Go with the flow

Go Go Go

Got something for you

It's something you can't control

Got it at a place unknown

Don't want to let go

But I'll let it go

Go with the flow

Go Go Go

I had a smile in my back pocket

Lost it on the way

Lost it to acid rain

Pouring in the courtyard

You made so lovingly

The one with the plants

The one with the seeds

I left my love for you

All for you

In my mind

I won't let that go

But it's a gift for you

Let it go

Go with the flow

GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!

youth

I'm losing interest

Losing the taste in my mouth

I don't see the world

I see it's faults

I don't see the colors

I see the raw chemistry

The formulas that don't mean a thing

The flaws in the programming

The false starts

And the echoing

Pulling skin

And flesh from my smile

The muscles in my mouth

That pull on strings

A wrong thing

A lie

I don't want to be this

I don't want to see this

Fine fine fine fine fine fine fine fine fine

I'm just fucking fine

And I don't like your excuses

I hate your face

I hate your eyes

They're shallow

They're broken inside

I hate this place

And it's all mine

All fucking mine

Mine to change

A restricted youth

I want you to give me

Something to hold on to

But I want to be your equal

I want you to preach to me

Speak to me

Believe in me

I don't want to be the youth

I want to be beside you

Anger

I am tired

I am worn down

I am lonely

Look at you

What are you doing

Are you acting like a child

Because you are too far into

Your own delusions

When will you grow up

We never grow up

We just go back to being

Because this is the way we are

We are not illuminated

We are blood red

And defeated

We are childish

And stupid to reality

I am tired

I am weary

I am angry

I am alive

Oh how my soul is fated to these woes

But it's stupid and it's childish

And these things are harmful to me

But I don't have to feel a thing

And the reason for my youth

Is so that I can be alive

Don't I want to be alive

I can spend the rest of my life exploding in my intellect

But can't I just feel

Can't I just recollect the things that make me smile

Can't I love someone outside my mind

And feel a touch

And be alive

Be alive

Be alive

Keep tellin' myself that I can't make

That I don't get it

That I'm not getting it right

But can't I see the art in me

It doesn't have to be the same

And can't I see that nothing else

Is to blame for my false incompetence

So they can watch my difference grow

And maybe they could become alive in it

I am not so young

Not so quick

That I don't acknowledge the state I'm in

When I'm depressed

And I can feel that it can creep

But for now I'll reap what I sow

And open up a textbook

And complete a work

And go to school

And face the world

But I am happy in this

And I can be alive in this

Do you see my fingers as they fly against the keyboard

Do you see my mind whirling

Do you see the glint in my eyes

My mind is youthful and my eyes are old

My body is youthful and my blood is old

Do you see these thing become me

I am not so that I am not

I am so that I can see the world

With calculating eyes

And be okay to rejoice once or twice

Just because I'm young

Just because I'm alive

I don't want to breathe

Just breathe just breathe

I don't want to breathe

I want to be the air

And flow into everything

Become something beyond me

I don't want to walk into the storm

I want to be the storm

I want to be the stars and the planets

And the complex atoms

I don't want to be tethered down

By earthly thoughts and situations

My body is caging me

Constricting me

My brain limits me

I can only speak

But how can I conceptualize anything

Across language

I am language

And how can I see a thing

When I am it

I want to transcend demensions

transcend time

How could I own a thing

When I know it

Don't want to contemplate these things

Understand these things

Don't want to look at things

And be so constricted

In god we trust

I want to trust god

But I don't trust we

It is a merging of things

That cannot be merged

They are seprate

I'm not we

If I trust god

I am god

And god becomes

But god is simple

Believed by minds

That are limited

And so we become

And I am not god

You believe in this

And I believe in an I

That became a we

I am lost

I am meloncholy

I am we

I don't want to breathe

I want to be the air

But my brain makes it so

Impossible can stare me down

And kill me

thought by thought

Breath by breath

life at its best, I wear it like a crown

If this chaos is a catastrophe

My mind can let it carry out

If this is nothing to be of worry

My mind can watch it dance

But the pleasant thoughts

Are thought with care

Your faults and my blames

They come so quickly

But I'm fine with that

This is how it is

And it's fine

Waltz

What is this music

A sound of waltzing

A time for changing

I felt like singing

And when I felt it

I could not want to constrain it

I am a lonesome wordless beggar

But when I hear the sounds

My feet unthaw and reverse their decay

And when I start to sing

My body rings

With the vibrations of my call

And when I start to dance

At once, at last

I feel the beat of my heart

And when I see your face

With unflawed grace

I cry, I cry these tears of joy

I hear the waltz

I seal my lips

But the smile there

It can't be missed

And my wind winds down

My heart retreats

Back into dusted corners

And my body becomes

A symbol

My soul a tethered

My eyes to keep

How I love that waltz

How I love the beat

Changing doesn't feel so wrong

What if I was smaller than I am

I don't feel so young but yet I am

And my mind travels frequencies

And battle grounds for more than long

What if I turned dark

Would I be so evil after all

Even if lust wasn't so wrong

Even if this was just the insanity to my genius

Would you see that maybe I'm turning now

That human is so wrong

So set in a cage to age and age

Never knowing a different side

A different light to capture and let out

Would I feel so wrong

Betraying who I am

Do I even care who I am anymore

There are so many things left to explore

And the feeling of want in my heart

Is hard to stop once it's had its start

And I'm tired of coming to the same conclusions

Tired of going round in circles

Tired of being the same helpless being

In my mind I am so sad and so strong

But I think it's all wrong

All wrong all wrong all wrong

I don't want to be a new person

Just better

And these cliches don't mean a thing to me anymore

Am I going dark

Am I

To not know death

Because I did not know death

I would never leave this place

Because I did know fear

My soul would tarry here

My life to uplift none

And my mouth to be kept shut

I have no love to give

I have no liveliness to live

I am broken to this ground

And this ground is captain of my fate

It leads me to the plane

Where I have no escape

And to be less of terrified

Would make my blood run cold

And because I do not know death

My fate is set in stone

Gone am I

Gone am I from the ones who once knew my name

Gone to the wind man's toll

Gone to the world I know

That is covered in sand

And dusted with shame

Gone am I from the ones who once knew my heart

They glimpsed it there

And they gave a start

But never will they know my soul

And never will they hear the toll

Gone am I from the ones who once knew my fate

They tarried me here

They shouted their leers

They caused a long shriek in my belly

That permeated my skin

Gone am I from the ones who disillusioned me

I once knew them too

And their souls were so neat

With boxes and folders

And small labels covered their hearts

I never knew that ones so cold

Could warm to the dark